Letting things run unconsciously will cause unbalanced leverage. As struggling to name the things that you can or can’t control in real time can skew your awareness. It can diminish your true intention. You missed a habitual chose, your proof is not in the pudding, or you overcorrect yourself. Most importantly, you feel like you owe the world an explanation as to why. My question for you is…why? Let’s dive in to it.

Your attachments style(s) is not a flaw. It is a developed strategy that helps you navigate how you see connection, safety, and the unknown. Rather than trying to place blame on which type you have, consider getting more awareness within your emotional system with accuracy.

What does this look like?

There is a predictable loop; something happens, your brain assigns it as “meaning”, you have physical reactions, and then you act. Do you see that this is a several step process? Some just see it as the first and last step and ignore everything in the middle. This is why your patterns go unchecked and repeat with vengeance. To change your experience you need something that increase your level of interpretation with awareness and behavior.

Name The Pattern (Recognition): This is your time to catch yourself in real time

What Is This Really About (Translation): As your reactions are unlikely about the present moment alone, ask yourself; “What am I afraid of right now?” & “What is my needs that are underneath this reaction?”

Then Choose Instead Of Reacting (The Intentional Response): Hinting on things will not get you as far as asking directly. Disappearing instead of requesting space will leave you in chronic loneliness. Sweeping things under the rug instead being present in the discomfort will lead you into a passive aggressive mindset.

In summary: Ask directly, request your needs clearly, and stay present even when things are uncomfortable

Now that you are starting to get the grasp of the system, it is time for some examples through a reframed framework.

Here is where the advantage comes into play. Choose to apply the system, not by acting on impulses alone.

Anxious Style: “Did I say something worng? Are they losing interest?”: If you lean more anxious, use the awareness as emotional intelligence. You notice shifts quickly, use it open up more honest conversation early on. Replace urgency with clarification. Pause between feeling and reactions.

Recognition: “I am feeling anxious and I want to reach out again and when I do and there is still no response, I need to understand if they care about my time as well, they will reply in due time.”

Translation: “I am looking for reassurance and consistency, therefore, I would like to get a response.”

Intentional Response: “One clear message of my intention is enough, I didn’t hear back but it is okay if I say something like, I just wanted to check in.”

Avoidant Style: “This is why I don’t rely on people.”: If you lean more avoidant, use your independence as grounding. Your self-sufficiency is strength but don’t let it block a genuine connection. Allow yourself to let people in slightly more that what may feel natural.

Recognition: “I feel like pulling away”

Translation: “I value this connection but am apprehensive at times to stick around.”

Intentional Response: “I am choosing to stay grounded and engaged.” “I need a bit of space, but know I am here.”

Secure Style: “They might just be busy, I’ll check in later if needed.”

Recognition: “I feel safe, but it goes without saying.”

Translation: “I want to be clear with you about what I am feeling.”

Intentional Response: “I will lead in this way but we are all safe in our roles.”

Episode 10 of the “August After Hours” Podcast sheds light on how you can be realistic in real time through recognizing your attachment style(s) and how to maneuver through the uncomfortable switches within each in order to practice this system. Aurora shares in real time her own expertise and experience to guide your path.

Your attachment style becomes an advantage the moment you stop letting it wander unconsciously. You don’t need a different attachment style to make this work to build better relationships, you just need a better relationship with the one(s) you already have (as you can be a mixture of them). As awareness turns reactiveness into an active choice. Your language turns from confusion into clarity. The patterns shift with progression. That is where the effective leverage now becomes balanced.

Until next time!